“Hey Guys!” Why we say it and why it’d be nice if we didn’t

“Hey guys! Wanna grab some pizza?”

“You’re doing great, guys!”

“I love you guys!”

The amount of times we use “guys” on the daily to refer to a group we’re with is pretty much innumerable. We use the term “guys” for all types of groups: groups of males only, groups with mixed genders, groups of all women…. And we use it everywhere: in our speech, our writing, our media. 

Seriously, look back through your texts or pay attention when you talk to your friend group next time you venture outside your homes. How many times do you or someone else use the word “guys”?

Despite using this term so freaking much myself, I’ve started cringing whenever I hear the word “guys” now. (The amount of cringing happening on the daily might be why I have to see a masseuse so often these days….)

While it may seem like not that big a deal, the pervasive use of “guys” to describe any mixed gender or non-male group denies the existence of women, non-binary friends, and gender fluid folks. 

That’s a little harsh, you might say.

That’s not my intention!, you may say.

Hear me out. When we use the word “guys” to describe all groups of gender diverse humans, we make “guys” or “maleness” the norm. It’s a quiet assumption, probably not intentional, but it’s a subtle way that maleness becomes normalized as the given, as the generic or “go to.”

Well, it’s not hurting anyone, right? So why does it matter?

This language is subtle but it’s part of a larger system that privileges men and boys. Maybe using the word “guys” all the time wouldn’t be so bad if we lived in a world where women were treated equally in the workplace; where people didn’t tell trans folks that they don’t exist, that they’re “just pretending;” or where males didn’t dominate most leadership positions in our country.

The ways that women move through the world are often not honored, recognized, and valued in the same way that men’s ways of being are. Just take a look at the gender pay gap or how women aren’t able to speak up in meetings. It’s even worse for non-binary and trans folks: consider how we only have two gender options to tick on most forms or the amount of bullying, suicide, and murders against trans and non-binary individuals.

Gender norms are all wrapped up in this emphasis on maleness. We have so many rules about how men and women are supposed to be, look, and act–and this has real impact too.

According to the CDC, adhering to traditional gender norms is a major risk factor for perpetration of sexual violence. 

Thinking that men need to be aggressive, confident, loud, and dominant leaders and that women need to be silent, withdrawn receptacles is a main cause of 1 in 6 American women being a victim of rape or attempted rape in their lifetime and almost 1 in 2 transgender folks being sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime. We’re just not respected or given the same power and space as men.

As a sexuality educator and consultant, I do a lot of work with young people on breaking down the gender binary and examining harmful norms. We do activities that examine how restrictive gender norms that dictate how women and men are “supposed” to behave can cause oppression for some and stress and unhappiness for others. All of us end up feeling pressure to behave a certain way and are afraid of being bullied or ostracized if we don’t conform.

I’m always amazed by how far ahead our youth are, even than us Millennials. More and more when I do these activities, especially ones that introduce gender identity models like the Gender Unicorn or the Genderbread Person, my students tell me, “Leslie, we’re just so over gender.” They talk about a post-gender society, about not strongly identifying with gender at all, about not understanding what all the hype is about. 

I couldn’t even convince them with this model from the Trevor Project where you place single or multiple dots based on how you identify your gender.

“People should just be who they want–the labels don’t matter,” they tell me.

Taking a page out of their book, young folks and LGBTQ+ communities both have great examples of alternative language we can use that de-emphasizes gender and subsequently, decenters maleness.

Next time you’re tempted to say, “hey guys!”, consider trying out “Hey friends or folks or y’all!” instead.

Want to make your language more gender neutral in general? Check out this guide.

And with that, thanks for reading guy–I mean, folks!